


Starks Don't Cry

by Trammel



Series: Out of the Wormhole [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Howard Stark Hate Network, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Other, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 13:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2429801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trammel/pseuds/Trammel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony dreams of his childhood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starks Don't Cry

**Author's Note:**

> I love and welcome comments, but be gentle. This story hits some personal triggers for me. The Italian should be correct, cuz I speak Italian.

You never know what might set it off. What will set it off. There is no time when things are ok. There was no time when things were ok. You tiptoe through life, trying to avoid the hidden mines that will blow everything up, you really really try, but they are EVERYWHERE. As soon as you figure out what not to touch, not to do, not to say, not to be, the rules change. Up is down. Left is right.

You came home late. You talked too loud. You upset your mother. You didn't listen. You listened to things that were none of your business. _Now look what you've done!_ You got first place. You didn't get first place. You stood up for yourself. You didn't stand up for yourself. You went out. You stayed in. _What do you think you're doing!_ You don't know. You know too much. You touched it. You didn't touch it. You screwed up. _You ruined everything!_

Be quiet. Speak up. Explain yourself. Shut up! Listen to your mother. Don't touch that. Don't butt your nose in where it doesn't belong. _Will you ever learn!_ Be more. Be less. Be better. Be invisible. Be invincible. _Why don't you ever listen!_ You tried. You didn't try hard enough. You were selfish. You were stupid. You were too smart. You showed off. You weren't confident enough. _Why did you do this to me!_ You didn't think. You don't think. You used your brain. _Why do you make me do this?_

And you try so hard to understand why. Why he always looks at you that way. Why he's always disappointed. Angry. So angry. You try to change, you try to be, not to be, but there's no way out, there's no answer. So you pray and you pray - _not today, just not today! -_ but there's no one there. No one's listening. Mamma says there's someone in the sky that will listen to your prayers, but you must have been too bad, very very bad, because he has _never_ listened to you. Not once! So you don't believe in him. You believe in her - you _have_ to believe in her, because otherwise you'll have no one to believe in, no one but she sees. _Mamma, lo vedi quello che fa! Aiutami!_ You see! Help me! She sees and does nothing. Nothing!

_You know your father has a temper,_ she says _._ A temper. Don't provoke him. Don't distract him. Don't disturb him. So you try and you try. But no matter what you do, you hear the clink of the ice cubes falling into the glass - that bitter taste that you start sipping too, on the sly, when you try and find out that it helps, it helps forget. It helps pass the time. And your heart seizes every time you hear his voice, yelling. Always yelling.

"Anthony Stark! Get in here right now!"

And you try to fight against the bile in your throat, try to push down the fear and walk with your head up. Walk into that room without shaking, without crying. Because you're a Stark. And Starks don't cry, Starks are strong - _what does that even mean? -_ and you try not to sweat, but - _so fast - no warning -_ the slaps _-_ the belt - the screams _\- who's screaming? -_ and it's you. But Starks don't cry. Starks don’t cry!

But you are crying, crying and screaming against the pain. _Mamma! Aiutami!_ You call her in the language she whispered to you when she used to hold you in her arms. _Did that ever happen?_ You can't remember. You can't remember any world but this. Where nothing is stable and nothing is safe. Any misstep could break the ice under you. _The ice in the glass._ The ice inside you.

Where he yells. And you're sorry. You're so sorry. You won't do it again. You'd never do it again if you just knew what it was. What to do. How to be.  His face is so dark, so like yours. People say that you look like him. _How do you think this makes me look!_ Does he want a reflection, a copy, what does he want you to be? Not you. Never you.

Because you cry, you bleed, and you break.

So you hide. That part of yourself that cries. That bleeds. That breaks. Because you see that other people live in a different world. A world where they're not always frightened, not always thinking, not always planning, not always careful. You hide that part of you deep down and cover it up with jokes and swagger and strutting and fighting and drinking and speeding and fucking and flying and being a _genius playboy billionaire philanthropist_ and finally, a fucking SUPERHERO -because that's what everyone wants you to be. Isn't it? Can you please them? Can you please him? Finally?

And you wake in the dark, not knowing if the scream you heard came from you or your dream - _was it a dream? -_ the only light the one in your chest - powering you, and you look around, frantic, your heart beating in your chest - _where are you? when are you? -_ your heart - _your heart!_ \- and the voice - not the voice in your head, the angry voice, but the voice you created. Created for yourself, someone who will never leave you, can never TOUCH you, says,

"Deep breaths, Sir. Take deep breaths."

And you do.


End file.
